But why just drink festively, when you can drink with festive culture? After the relative success of last year's Queen's Speech Drinking Game, this year I've persued the Christmas programming, and have prepared options to take you late into the night!
Speaking of which, it's an absolute travesty that The Sound of Music is not being shown on any channel this year. Long has it been tradition to watch Georg von Trapp's slow transformation from grumpy old bastard to Cool Dad, but perhaps this year the political themes cut a little close to the bone. Whatever the reason, I feel nothing less than a full parliamentary enquiry into this oversight is needed.
Frozen (TVNZ2, 5.20pm)
You might have to watch this one, so may as well try and make it tolerable.
Elsa freezes something
Anna talks about true love
Snow is mentioned
The importance of family is mentioned
Someone you are watching with starts singing
Olaf's head falls off
Kristoff talks to his reindeer
Trolls are mentioned
You start singing
|That's two drinks|
If you notice that bit where Elsa's ponytail flicks right through her arm
Everybody must drink for the duration of Let It Go on the assumption that you're going to start singing anyway
The News (Prime, 5.30pm, TVNZ1 and TV3, 6.00pm)
Everybody loves the news at Christmas!
Reporters you have never seen before are anchoring the bulletin
Lead item is about Christmas
Mention of 'the Big Man in Red'
Story about 'Those who have to work at Christmas'
Mention of Richie McCaw or John Key
Live cross to City Mission Kitchens
Random irrelevant rugby story
Story about the weather
Sports presenter turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, starts singing
Weather presenter turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, makes crude innuendo about warm fronts
Political editor turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, proclaims this to be the fucking news
Down in one
Government releases controversial policy on Christmas Day in hope that no one notices
Her Majesty the Queen's Speech (TVNZ1, 6.50pm)
|Let's get this message over with and get back on the piss|
'My family and I'
Mentions Phillip's health troubles
'Thinking of those in need'
'Faiths coming together'
'Friends around the world'
'Welcome Meghan Markle to the family'
'Successful Olympics for Team GB'
'Mr Trump has small hands'
Corgi wanders into shot, takes a shit
Princess Charlotte wanders into shot, takes a shit
Phillip wanders into shot, delivers racist tirade
Drunk Prince Harry wanders into shot, delivers racist tirade
'Brexit's gonna screw us over, I quit, suckers'
Home Alone 2 (TV3 7.00pm)
Start drinking at the beginning of the film, and keep drinking. Hopefully by the time you get to Donald Trump's cameo, you'll have forgotten he's gonna be leader of the free world in under a month.
|'Let me tell you, kid, your family lost you. They're losers. SAD. I like winners. I'll make your film franchise great again'|
Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas Special (TVNZ1, 9.40pm)
Hopefully after almost five hours of drinking games, you're well gone by this point. If not, just keep on drinking away the sorrow that showing this is how low our national broadcaster has sunk.
|At least they got the grade of the movie right|
*Netflix and Children in no way condones heavy and irresponsibly drinking, of course.