Monday, 17 April 2017

Phone App Review: Four Seasons Condoms presents The Extendables.

Apparently we live in a golden age for intimate technology, or Sexnology, as no one apart from me just then, calls it. For in the course of the past month, not one but two great strides forwards have been made in the field.

One of them gives a whole new meaning to the term sex doll

First, UK scientists announced the development of a 'smart condom' sexual activity tracker able to be worn on the penis, or FitDick as it really ought to have been called. So many questions arose... Did this mean that no longer could gentlemen lie to a casual acquaintance about their prowess in the sack, without being asked to display a  download of data and graphs about previous performances in regards to duration, partner's satisfaction, and explosive energy released? Would phrases such as 'talks a big game in the streets, statistically disappointing in the spreadsheets' become common place? Would the ring vibrate on the achievement of certain sexual milestones? Would their be badges (you achieved 10 thrusts and are still going strong! New record!)? Group challenges? And of course, what about that neglected sexual demographic, parents?

I mean, they must still be doing it, given the number of second, third and subsequent children being born. But more often or not, it's got to be quick, nothing you're going to be boasting down at the pub about with graphs showing your endurance and tackle statistics. At the end of the day, kids finally in bed for the fourth time that night, parents are going to be collapsing themselves rather than trying to achieve another medal for going stronger, faster, deeper, harder. They need a distraction during the day, to slip away from the kids. Chuck on a Wiggles DVD and delight each other's hot potatoes and cold spaghetti. Put the kids in front of Dora the Explorer before exploring their adorer.

Who even knows what DVD these two will be putting on when their time comes

So Four Seasons Condoms have tried to come along to the rescue with The Extendables app. This basically does the same job as your kids favourite DVD, with a puppet show presumably made by a couple of rejects from the Jim Henson school of puppetry, played upon a parent's computer, tablet, or smart television, and synced to their phone. On the phone, a stopwatch judgementally counts down
whilst the amorous couple makes more babies (or doesn't, depending on whether they've fallen for the subtle marketing ploy and are using the Four Seasons' prophylactic wares). If, after the initially programmed eleven minutes, things are still hot and heavy in the bedroom, a button can be hit, and a further five minutes of distracting sock puppetry ensues, hence, I assume, why the show is called The Extendables, and not Sesame Treat, The Muffets, or Fraggle Cock.

Or Shaggle Rock. There's two puns for that one.

Slightly creepily, if a kid does get bored and walk away from the wholesome entertainment on screen, motion sensors in the smart device sound an alarm to stop adult fun time, and make as though the only intercourse taking place in the master bedroom is of the oh so boring verbal type. It's all explained in this adorable YouTube instructional video, starring one little girl who clearly recognises that something's up.

Of course, my beautiful and intelligent wife was far too sensible to allow us to test the Extendables app for its intended purpose. That wasn't going to stop me from reviewing it though, oh no. I wish it had though.

A bunch of third class voice actors (I'm not really sure what I expected, imagine explaining voicing a puppet from a third class condom company's ad campaign on your cv) play five sentient feather dusters who, I think, are trying to take over earth, though there doesn't really seem to be much of a plot. Within a minute, I was lost, bored, and getting up to find a beer. And the app didn't tell me I was doing that! Granted, my children may be entertained for longer than me by a few silly voices, but when they get up after two or three minutes, parents need to know their carnal pleasure's getting cut off short of a measure.

I sat down again, and forced myself to tolerate the inane chattering of the five anthromorphic feather boas for another 10 minutes, and it struck me that actually, what I was watching was kinda filthy. Sure, it would be straight over any preschooler's head, but the first sentence was about engaging landing gear and commencing thrusting. There was great excitement about the female character 'slipping into something special for the first time' on the new planet. Further amazement when the five some went to an Earth house, and saw a 'small hairy thing' by the front entrance. Which was then 'put in the mouth' of one of the puppets, and then again, great excitement ensued when 'he swallowed.'

I don't know, maybe I didn't go into this review with an open mind, and was seeing gratuitous innuendo where none was intended. What I didn't see, though, was a satisfying climax to each episode. They just kind of petered out, without much of a bang. And perhaps that is the perfect metaphor for parental hankypanky against a time restriction whilst the kids are distracted. It's never gonna measure up against what you're hoping for.

So parents, when they're released, get your FitDicks if you want. Who knows, having a tracker round your tacker might provide the motivation you need to perform to a new personal best. But forget the Extendables, because in my opinion, this app has just ended up a bit flaccid.