Sunday, 3 September 2017

Hairy MacLary is a piece of dangerous misinformation

New Zealand's best loved dog story, Hairy MacLary, is a sham. There. I've said it. 

Dangerous propaganda, up there with anything Don Brash has written

Stuff recently posted an interview with author Lynley Dodd discussing how he was inspired by a cheeky dog she once saw take a bag of bones from her local butcher. What a scamp! What a loveable rogue! So she went home and wrote a series of books about him, which have been passed down from generation to generation of New Zealander, delighting children and adults alike, before the cold, harsh reality of what happens when dogs are allowed to roam free hits home. Dangerous dogs are no joke. Alan Partridge can tell you that.

So, as a counter point for the generations of young Kiwis raised in the belief that letting your pet run wild is acceptable, I have rewritten the he classic story to teach some more realistic consequences.

No need to thank me. Just consider it my civic contribution to dog ownership standards in New Zealand.

Hairy MacLary from Donaldson's Dairy (2017)

Dedicated to the loving memory of a bad dog.

Out of the door, and off for a walk, 
Went Hairy MacLary from Donaldson's Dairy

With Muffin McLay
Like a bundle of hay
Bottomly Potts
All covered in spots
Hercules Morse
As big as a horse
And Hairy MacLary
From Donaldson's Dairy

They set of towards town, with a sniff of their noses
They stopped off at Miss Lawson's and they dug up her roses

Then Bottomly paused at the shop of Tom Clegg
He needed a slash, so he lifted one leg
Then he let out a stream that was steamy and golden
It seemed never ending, so long he'd been holding

Next on to the butcher's, Hairy snuck through the door
Then stole out with some sausages, steak,chicken and more

They felt so much better, having eaten that meat
And now Hairy was horny, luckily Muff was in heat
Hairy looked at her longingly, out stuck his small log
Soon they were mating, in the style of a dog
But Hairy's a small dog, you'd think he'd need a ladder
But instinct kicked in, and soon he had had her

All loved up, the pooches kept wandering 'round town
Hercules shat on the path, near the local Countdown
Such a large beast will provide quite a stool, I should warn
A dark brown soft serve ice cream, with small bits of sweet corn

What a day! Time was flying! Oh, how it passes!
The dog pack rejoiced as they sniffed each other's asses
What winning! These canines were on a clear roll!
But around the corner lay....


And the cops were there too! For dangerous canine
Was the call that came through to the council hotline

Hercules growled, and rushed with teeth bared
The officers understandably were very scared.
One cop drew his pistol, and without a word
He shot, and the Mastiff dropped to the curb
Lifelessly Hercules fell to the ground
The other dogs, terrified, were led to the pound

Seriously, would you trust this dog to roam free in public?

Later that week, the Donaldson clan
Ventured down to the pound with their mind on a plan
To pay a small fine, a nominal fee
A few hundred bucks that would set Hairy free
But sadly, the D's, they were in for a shock
When they found their dog ownership rights had been blocked

'You leave your gate open' the officer scolded
Mr D fainter, his legs under him folded
'Your Hairy MacLary and his pack of wild hounds
Have been escaping your garden to terrorise town.
Your fence is too low, your gate is left open.
Your dog has more wanderlust than you would be hoping.

'For the capers they cause are not meet caterwauling
Last week an old lady was maimed in a mauling.
Wild dogs are a vector for diseases like rabies
But it's not just the health risks, it's also the babies!
For Hairy is clearly aware of his needs.
He's seeking out bitches, and spreading his seed.

'I'm sorry Sir, Ma'am, but this cannot go on
If you think your responsible dog owners, you're wrong.
Your dog's a risk to health, through injury and infection.
But at least now he's dead. We gave him an injection.'

RIP Hairy MacLary, and your horrible mongrel mob.