Saturday, 24 December 2016

Your Official Christmas Day Drinking Game Guide

You've just about made it through the festive season! Only a matter of hours to go, and you'll be in that blissful period of time when the kids have opened presents and are distracted by shiny new toys and consumer goods, but before they're howling because said toys and consumer goods have been broken beyond repair. Just the time to sit back with a glass of Pinot Gris, a can of pale ale, or a bottle of meths, and drink yourself into that happy state beyond caring*.

But why just drink festively, when you can drink with festive culture? After the relative success of last year's Queen's Speech Drinking Game, this year I've persued the Christmas programming, and have prepared options to take you late into the night!

Speaking of which, it's an absolute travesty that The Sound of Music is not being shown on any channel this year. Long has it been tradition to watch Georg von Trapp's slow transformation from grumpy old bastard to Cool Dad, but perhaps this year the political themes cut a little close to the bone. Whatever the reason, I feel nothing less than a full parliamentary enquiry into this oversight is needed.

Frozen (TVNZ2, 5.20pm)
You might have to watch this one, so may as well try and make it tolerable. 

One drink
Elsa freezes something
Anna talks about true love
Snow is mentioned
The importance of family is mentioned
Someone you are watching with starts singing

Two drinks
Olaf's head falls off
Kristoff talks to his reindeer
Trolls are mentioned
You start singing

That's two drinks
Three drinks
If you notice that bit where Elsa's ponytail flicks right through her arm

Everybody must  drink for the duration of Let It Go on the assumption that you're going to start singing anyway

The News (Prime, 5.30pm, TVNZ1 and TV3, 6.00pm)
Everybody loves the news at Christmas!

One drink
Reporters you have never seen before are anchoring the bulletin
Lead item is about Christmas
Mention of 'the Big Man in Red'
Story about 'Those who have to work at Christmas'

Two drinks
Mention of Richie McCaw or John Key
Live cross to City Mission Kitchens
Random irrelevant rugby story
Story about the weather

Three drinks
Sports presenter turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, starts singing 
Weather presenter turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, makes crude innuendo about warm fronts
Political editor turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, proclaims this to be the fucking news

Down in one
Government releases controversial policy on Christmas Day in hope that no one notices

Her Majesty the Queen's Speech (TVNZ1, 6.50pm)

Let's get this message over with and get back on the piss 

One Drink
'My family and I'
'Difficult year'
Mentions Phillip's health troubles
'Thinking of those in need'

Two Drinks
'Faiths coming together'
'Friends around the world'
'Welcome Meghan Markle to the family'
'Successful Olympics for Team GB'

Three drinks
'Mr Trump has small hands'
Corgi wanders into shot, takes a shit
Princess Charlotte wanders into shot, takes a shit
Phillip wanders into shot, delivers racist tirade
Drunk Prince Harry wanders into shot, delivers racist tirade

Finish drink
'Brexit's gonna screw us over, I quit, suckers'

Home Alone 2 (TV3 7.00pm)
Start drinking at the beginning of the film, and keep drinking.  Hopefully by the time you get to Donald Trump's cameo, you'll have forgotten he's gonna be leader of the free world in under a month.

'Let me tell you, kid, your family lost you. They're losers. SAD. I like winners. I'll make your film franchise great again'

Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas Special (TVNZ1, 9.40pm)
Hopefully after almost five hours of drinking games, you're well gone by this point. If not, just keep on drinking away the sorrow that showing this is how low our national broadcaster has sunk.

At least they got the grade of the movie right

*Netflix and Children in no way condones heavy and irresponsibly drinking, of course.

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