Your Official Christmas Day Drinking Game Guide

You've just about made it through the festive season! Only a matter of hours to go, and you'll be in that blissful period of time when the kids have opened presents and are distracted by shiny new toys and consumer goods, but before they're howling because said toys and consumer goods have been broken beyond repair. Just the time to sit back with a glass of Pinot Gris, a can of pale ale, or a bottle of meths, and drink yourself into that happy state beyond caring*.

But why just drink festively, when you can drink with festive culture? After the relative success of last year's Queen's Speech Drinking Game, this year I've persued the Christmas programming, and have prepared options to take you late into the night!

Speaking of which, it's an absolute travesty that The Sound of Music is not being shown on any channel this year. Long has it been tradition to watch Georg von Trapp's slow transformation from grumpy old bastard to Cool Dad, but perhaps this year the political themes cut a little close to the bone. Whatever the reason, I feel nothing less than a full parliamentary enquiry into this oversight is needed.

Frozen (TVNZ2, 5.20pm)

You might have to watch this one, so may as well try and make it tolerable. 

One drink

Elsa freezes something

Anna talks about true love

Snow is mentioned

The importance of family is mentioned

Someone you are watching with starts singing

Two drinks

Olaf's head falls off

Kristoff talks to his reindeer

Trolls are mentioned

You start singing

That's two drinks

Three drinks

If you notice that bit where Elsa's ponytail flicks right through her arm

Additional

Everybody must  drink for the duration of Let It Go on the assumption that you're going to start singing anyway

The News (Prime, 5.30pm, TVNZ1 and TV3, 6.00pm)

Everybody loves the news at Christmas!

One drink

Reporters you have never seen before are anchoring the bulletin

Lead item is about Christmas

Mention of 'the Big Man in Red'

Story about 'Those who have to work at Christmas'

Two drinks

Mention of Richie McCaw or John Key

Live cross to City Mission Kitchens

Random irrelevant rugby story

Story about the weather

Three drinks

Sports presenter turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, starts singing 

Weather presenter turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, makes crude innuendo about warm fronts

Political editor turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, proclaims this to be the fucking news

Down in one

Government releases controversial policy on Christmas Day in hope that no one notices

Her Majesty the Queen's Speech (TVNZ1, 6.50pm)

Let's get this message over with and get back on the piss 

One Drink

'My family and I'

'Difficult year'

Mentions Phillip's health troubles

'Thinking of those in need'

Two Drinks

'Faiths coming together'

'Friends around the world'

'Welcome Meghan Markle to the family'

'Successful Olympics for Team GB'

Three drinks

'Mr Trump has small hands'

Corgi wanders into shot, takes a shit

Princess Charlotte wanders into shot, takes a shit

Phillip wanders into shot, delivers racist tirade

Drunk Prince Harry wanders into shot, delivers racist tirade

Finish drink

'Brexit's gonna screw us over, I quit, suckers'

Home Alone 2 (TV3 7.00pm)

Start drinking at the beginning of the film, and keep drinking.  Hopefully by the time you get to Donald Trump's cameo, you'll have forgotten he's gonna be leader of the free world in under a month.

'Let me tell you, kid, your family lost you. They're losers. SAD. I like winners. I'll make your film franchise great again'

Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas Special (TVNZ1, 9.40pm)

Hopefully after almost five hours of drinking games, you're well gone by this point. If not, just keep on drinking away the sorrow that showing this is how low our national broadcaster has sunk.

At least they got the grade of the movie right

*Netflix and Children in no way condones heavy and irresponsibly drinking, of course.

Festive App Review: A Call From Santa!

Parenting is hard, which is something that most parenting blogs won't tell you (Not this one though, it's realsitic!). And what a lot of parents don't realise when starting out is that bedtime is one of the hardest tasks a parent can face. IT'S SO DIFFICULT! Recently, over the last four years or so, our four year old has had difficulty going to sleep. 'I want another story', 'I want some more dinner', 'I need a drink of water,' 'I don't want to go to bed.' All common refrains coming out of the mouth of a small child.

Sometimes the not evening the threatening tones of Samuel L Jackson
are enough to convince them to shut up and lie down

So as Christmas grew closer, I decided to get a bit crafty and exploit his expectation that Santa would visit and give him presents. At first, simply saying 'Santa wants you to go to bed' would work a treat, but soon I had to resort to lying to my own son, dialling the home phone and pretending to answer a call from Father Christmas to tell the young un' to go to bed. But he was too crafty, not to mention suspicious, and within 48 hours was demanding to talk to the big man himself. So, I downloaded on to my iPhone 5S the A Call From Santa! App.

If Santa's not real, how come I have a whole contact book especially for him?

Why risk becoming the bad guy in your child's eyes, when you can get a strange, heavily bearded man to do your parenting for you by phone?  No sooner had the download finished, I decided to give it a spin. It was well past bed time, and the four year old was stubbornly refusing to stay in bed, so I entered a few programmed choices into the scheduling screen, and not fifteen seconds later, a jaunty Christmas ringtone was blaring out of my phone.

- Ho Ho Ho! Hello, it's Santa! Who am I talking to?
- It's me, the four year old replied.
- Excellent, I was hoping to talk to you. My records say you're four years old, is that right?
- Yes.
- I thought I'd phone you right away, because my elves told me (pause) that you're not going to bed as well as you normally would. (Pause) And I just thought I should tell you that (pause) sometimes I have to put children who don't go to bed very well on to my Naughty List...

Message across, Santa hung up. No sooner had I moved to silence the Game of War ad blaring from the free version of the app, than I had a sleeping child on my hands.

Works for ages 1 to 100. Having exceptionally
small hands will help with navigating the menu 

Of course, just like real parenting, you can't always use the Big Man in Red to gently scold your children, or you're going to do far more damage to his image than Auckland's Creepy Santa could ever do. And if there's one thing New Zealand doesn't need, it's for its unemployment statistics to be bloated by Mall Santas being laid off, because kids are too scared to come near them. So the next night, I scanned through the options, and chose to send a call to my almost two year old daughter to thank her 'for being nice to everybody.' Having been out of the house at work all day, perhaps I should have asked Mum's opinion first, because the four year old was having none of it.

-Ho Ho Ho! I thought I'd phone you right away, because my elves told me (pause) that you've been very nice to everybody. And I just thought I should tell you that I'm putting your name on my Nice List...
-No Santa, put her on the Naughty List! She's being naughty! She's been hitting me all day! Give her a sack of coal Santa! She's been naughty!

Evidently Santa hates narks, as he just ignored the rude interruption and barrelled on.

Looks like a certain President-elect has been sending abusive tweets again 

I've used the calls a few more times since, to stop arguments, damn with faint praise, but mostly to get those bloody kids into bed, damnit. And although the calls are now frequently interrupted with demands for presents, they still in the whole are pretty effective. So if you have a small child, or a particularly gullible adult, who you need to manipulate for your own ends, there's really no excuse for not having A Call From Santa! on your phone.

Three Ho!'s out of three.

Adult Food Review: Heller's Christmas Chipolata

Behold, the bringer of controversy

It sometimes seems these days corporations are more interested in pissing people off with ill conceived novelty products than actually making money. And, by and large, judging by popular millennial echo chamber 'Twitter', many companies are doing a pretty good job. This became most apparent to me this evening on my purchase of Heller's new Christmas Chipolata, a 'delicious, fruity sausage' promising hints of Apple, sultana, currant and mixed citrus peel.

On my way home from work tonight, I popped in to New World for a quick sausage purchase. Seeing a new Heller's festive product, with the 'Free Farmed Pork' sticker emblazoned across the front, I decided I'd be game to try anything once and grabbed them. When I got home, I realised the reason the pork had been free farmed was to give the pigs at least a shred of dignity before being made into such an abomination of a meat product. For these Christmas Chipolata contained fruit mince, one of the most polarising food products of Twitter. Seriously, look at the ingredients!

Also: Festive gold meat tray!

Still, I'd bought the things, so, at least purely for science, I may as well try the things so others may avoid my mistake.

The sausages certainly looked the part, slim, pork coloured fingers, with small little nodules of fruit protruding through the thin skin. Into the oven on bake for thirty minutes, possibly slowly too long, and they still looked not too different from your standard pork sausage. Scent wise, the pork strongly came through as well, but with weird undertones of orange rind and currants. Cutting the Chipolata in half, I was greeted by little nuggets of fruit peering back at me.

Taste wise, it was almost a disappointment how much these tasted just like your average pork sausage. Sure, occasionally you might catch a shrivelled currant or a hint of citrus between your teeth, but I found the maligned fruit mince to be almost disconcertingly absent in taste. The texture was there occasionally, which added a strange sensation of eating a meat product with little squishy bits in the middle. That said, it wasn't really true fruit mince present, but singular pieces of diced up fruit. That said, I'd say If you wanted a true taste of what was promised on the packaging, I'd probably advise buying a bag of homebrand pre-cooked pork bangers, and chucking in a pack of raisins.

So do these sausages really deserve to be so hated? Probably not. But do they really warrant a special packaging and a hefty price tag of $1.33 a sausage? Again, probably not. There's better products on the market with much less gimmicky tastes. But they've got people talking Hellers, and that's probably going to help them bring home the bacon.

4.5/10

In these tough political times, what can we learn from Disney?

I wrote this wrote this on Sunday night, a few hours before the North Canterbury Quake, but held off publishing it immediately, with the idea of submitting it to the Spinoff. Obviously, the week has become quite a bit more shit since then, and I figure we could all do with a bit of a distraction from the impending Trumpocalypse, earthquakes, tsunamis and whatnot. So here goes.


Wow. What a shitter of a week. By now, we thought we'd have finally worked off the collective hangover we got from celebrating the first female president of the US. Instead we're still drinking to drown out the actuality that a small handed orangutan will be in the Oval Office at the start of the year. I blame Mowgli for teaching King Louie to be so human-like.

Never seen them in the same room

People have been dealing with the impending Trumpocalypse in various ways. Vice President Joe Biden, for example, has taken to boobietrapping the White House in preparation for Donald and Mike's arrival.

I am more of a practical problem solver, and thought it would be good to learn from others who have lived under a despotic regime: regular Disney townsfolk. So I sat down with a few beers (cos that's my other coping mechanism, remember), and watched Frozen and the Lion King, in order to find any advice I could.

1. Do nothing, just play along and hope for the best
This was the option all the lions in the Lion King took when Scar killed the widely loved and respected Mufasa, and I guess what Trump is hoping will happen for the next four years, now he's chased the Clinton dynasty away. Thing is, it really didn't work well, did it? Scar had no idea what he was doing, the kingdom fell to pieces, and the climate changed and the pride were completely unprepared to be able to make any changes at all. It's kinda like its some sort of metaphor for what's going on now... Which presumably means that Chelsea Clinton is out there somewhere eating bugs and having the time of her life before returning in four years time to a soundtrack of Elton John to reclaim the United States of America for the Clinton dynasty, with assistance from a wacky warthog/meerkat duo. You heard it here first.

Washington DC, 2020AD

2. Chase them away, then try and kill them
Here's a statement that's going to land me in controversy. Queen Elsa is somewhat analogous with Donald Trump. She has power that she has no idea how to control. And she's isolationist, she doesn't want her power to get out, so she shuts a gate/builds a wall. Also there's an army of trolls, though they seem to be quite nice, as opposed to Donald's Deplorables. When her ability to summon ice and snow out of nothing becomes simply too terrifying for her subjects, Elsa sees no option but to flee into the mountains, where she builds a large tower and sings a song that haunts the lives of parents everywhere. Not content to see her gone, Elsa is persued by an army intent on seeing her permanently disposed of. Of course, the army fails, but still, the intention is there.

Build a wall, build a wall
Can't hold them back any more
Build a wall, build a wall
Mexico will pay, you can be sure 

Similarly, in Beauty and the Beast, the titular Beast is confined to his castle, and furthermore all of his household are transformed into various items of crockery or utensils for carrying out housework. Given most of the President-elect's inner circle are actually already tools, this could be easier to pull off in Trump Tower than it may seem.

3. Sing!
Really, this should go without saying. All Disney heroes face adversity with a song, be it a heartfelt ballad alone in their basement bedroom, staring whist fully out the window, or a crowd marching to confront their common enemy and to drive him out of town. Even the drudgery of a day down the mines can be cheered up by whistling a merry melody! Cinderella, Simba, even Peter Pan and the Lost Boys didn't suffer silently: They fought back with a song in their hearts and an irritating ear worm in the ears of their audiences. It's not just a tactic completely devoid of historical precedence either: if Hugh Jackman has taught me anything, it's that the French aristocracy were overthrown by soulful anthems sung in the street, and a huge pile of rubbish. And the pro-Clinton team have form! Why can't Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Sprinsteen, Madonna, J-Lo, the Dixie Chicks and Katy Perry lead a mass musical uprising?

Sure, the villain usually gets a musical number too, but it's usually the least popular song, and in a depressing minor key. And the best the Trump-Pence campaign could come up with is Ted Nugent. (And apparently Kanye for the next 4 years til he runs in 2020).

3. Protest. Stick it to the man!
Popular uprising and civil disobedience? It's too obvious, surely! But without the people of Paris realising what a bad, bad man Judge Frollo was for wanting to kill all the gypsies, Quasimodo would never have won the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sure, defences made out of molten lead helped, but a rioting underclass is what truly strikes terror into the powers that be. With story lines like that, how Public Enemy never got a contract to score a Disney film is beyond me. And in Lady and the Tramp, without Old Trusty altruistically throwing himself under the wheels of the dog catcher's cart, The Man, represented by Aunt Sarah and her Siamese cats, would never have been exposed for the tyrants obsessed with ridding the world of her nemesis, Tramp.

F#@k Tha Dog Police 

And it looks as though this may be the way the US is heading, with major protest across the eastern and western seaboards. Signs saying 'Not My President' are all well and good, but we need re passion. Where are the pitchforks and flaming torches? Because calling the Vice President-elect slightly immature names is all well and good, but it's probably going to get a bit old before four years are up.

Surprise and shock as Bono announced winner of 2016 Presidential Election

There was surprise and confusion expressed in the United States of America and around the world today, as U2 lead singer and one of nine reigning Glamour Magazine Women of the Year Bono was announced the winner of the 2016 Presidential Election, despite not having being amongst the candidates in the running for the post. Those in the running included Democrat Hillary Clinton, aiming to make history by becoming first woman to gain the job; and orange skinned Republican Donald Trump, looking to become the first Oompah-Loompah to take on a position in human governance. However the ageing rock star and self proclaimed saviour of mankind was cited for his humanitarian work and thirteen studio albums of exponentially decreasing quality and sales. It is the first time in the 241 year history of the United States of America that a foreign born rock star has been chosen as president.

The President Elect gets a few tips from his predecessor 

'For many years the House of Representatives has been discussing the possibility of announcing a President who not only isn't a politician, but who isn't even a citizen of this great country,' House Speaker Paul Ryan (R) said in a released statement. 'In 2016, with the two most unpopular candidates in living memory, it seemed to be the right time. As a House, we have come together in our beliefs that Bono's stated values of self-aggrandisement and forcing his lofty ideals upon the rest of an unsuspecting world match well with those of the United States. We are delighted to name Bono as our Commander in Chief and President of the United States 2016-2020.'

Bono himself reacted with trademark humility and grace to the shock honour. 'U2's music has always stood for the empowerment of every man, woman and child on this earth, and through this music we have managed to bring about the change that the world has needed. I'm humbled to be able to continue this change through this surprise elevation to a position I am sure I was born to fill,' he said. 'It's a Beautiful Day!'

Reaction amongst the other candidates has been mixed. Clinton, until recent days thought to be the unassailable forerunner in the election, was generous in defeat. 'The American people and their elected representatives have spoken, and I'd like to congratulate Bono on his election win,' she said at a somber reception for supporters in Brooklyn, NY. 'Our campaign can learn from this election race, and will come back stronger to fulfil what I believe is my destiny in 2020. #ImWithHer.'

Trump, however, was less accepting, sending out several furious tweets. 'CROOKED BONO steals rigged election!! SAD. Why won't Bono release his tax returns, hasn't paid in US or IRELAND since 1984.'

World leaders were quick to react to the unexpected news. British Prime Minister Theresa May was keen to point to the Irish citizen's rapid ascension to the top of US politics as yet another example of the creeping insidious influence of European politics. 'Brexit means Brexit,' May declared. 'An independent United Kingdom refuses to be beholden to Continental influence, be it from Brussels, Dublin, or Washington DC.'

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key, however, sent his congratulations. 'Look, obviously Bono is actually a pretty successful singer, and he likes his golf. I've been in touch to say, look, if you're ever in New Zealand get in touch for a round, or come and watch the All Blacks play rugby. I could get him into the dressing room if he wanted. And I sent him a mixtape Max made, see if he wants to put it on his next album.'

Outgoing United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki Moon expressed relief that maybe with a whole country to look after, Bono wouldn't be hanging around trying to do good at the General Assembly so much any more, and bemoaned that the singer's appointment hadn't come four years earlier.

With power to chose the Vice President, speculation remains rife as to who the  Upper House might chose as Bono's deputy. Rumour has it that chief amongst the names being bandied around is Kanye West, in preparation for a run at the top job in 2020.

The Hihi responds to a somewhat embarrassing Bird of the Year Results

Forest and Bird's annual Bird of the Year results were released today, and it was a resounding win for the majestic Kokako. Featured on the ten dollar bill, the Kokako polled 3,614 votes, over a thousand more than the second placed Kea, with the fan-tailed  Piwakawaka a further thousand votes back, despite the best efforts of sporadically relevant hipster collective Fly My Pretties. However, several candidates complained that the three top placed birds represented a staid elite establishment hellbent on reclaiming the power they have enjoyed for decades.

One of these was the antiestablishment firebrand the Hihi, who first came to prominence when it promised to 'build a huge predator proof fence, with a little gate' around New Zealand. When challenged initially on such a scheme, given its ability to prevent migratory birds such as the Godwit, or wind blown self-introduced species such as the Barn Owl, the Hihi had responded: 'The Godwits are sending us their murderers. Their thieves. And some Godwits, I assume, decent birds. But they come here illegally. We must act now to Make Our Forests Great Again.' Furthermore, after it heard a rumour that a barn owl may have once chased a pukeko from a barn, Hihi pledged to stop any more barn owls entering New Zealand 'until we know what's going on.'

Clearly, a controversial candidate for bird of the year. And a candidate wh would have been dissapointed to poll a paltry 243 votes. When asked to comment on today's result, Hihi simply pointed to a tweet it had sent out earlier in the day.

Of course, Hihi wasn't going to be allowed to rest on accusations of a rigged voting process without going unchallenged. When asked about the claims, Hihi pointed to the 'Lamestream Media believing crooked Kokako campaign lies.' 

'Read the treemails!' Hihi implored. 'Kokako should be locked up in an aviary, not running for Bird of the Year. Such a nasty bird.'

However, Hihi admitted not all media were against him, surprisingly singling out formerly revolutionary left leaning freedom fighters Radio New Zealand for thanks on social media.

It wasn't just the media picked out for their perceived corruption, however. 'The Spur Winged Plover is a corrupt puppet candidate sponsored by Crooked Kokako to take votes off me,' Hihi declared. 'Sad! The plovers send us their murderers. Their thieves. And some plovers, I assume, are decent  birds. Only Hihi can make the Forest great again.' When pointed out it had used the same accusations against the Godwit, Hihi declared such claims were lies, and he would instruct his attorney to sue any outlet making them. 'The disgusting Spur Winged Plover (check out the mating ritual) is being used by Crooked Kokako to discredit me.'

It has since been pointed out that there is nothing unusual or disgusting about the Plover's mating rituals. Indeed, the Hihi is in fact unique amongst birds, in that it mates face to face.

throughout the Bird of the Year campaign, Hihi insisted on portraying itself as a loose cannon, amtiestablishment firebrand, happy to play to the lowest common denominator with distasteful slogans such as 'Blackbirds matter? All birds matter!', and fiercely defending the size of its wings. 'My wings are great. I have the best wings, and believe me, I would not hesitate to press the 1080 button with those big wings,' Hihi declared. However further research points to a bird once firmly ensconced in the avian elite, appearing on a three dollar stamp under the name 'Stitchbird.' These revelations were put to Hihi, however were flatly denied. 'Lies. I'll be instructing my attorneys.' 

Classic Children's Film Review: Planes 2: Fire and Rescue

Living in the cosmopolitan city of Palmerston North, one comes in contact with many people from different cultures and walks of life. I, for example, have managed to earn the respect of Bogan parents. This, of course, is due to my children's penchant for performing AC/DC's Thunderstruck in public at the drop of a hat.

How do a three year old and a 18 month old learn the lyrics to one of rock's most enduring anthems?If you guessed from a Disney movie, you'd be pretty much on the money. For this is the song that features during a climactic scene of Planes 2: Fire and Rescue, a film so epic, that when Luke was told he could get two films from the video store, he returned with two copies of it. So beloved, that he still requests a visit to JB Hifi to ensure 'that they have a copy so that other kids can buy it.' So frequently viewed, that it is imprinted to view upon my retinas whenever I close my eyes.

Even then I don't remember half the characters who have been made into must-have toys

I hadn't seen the original Planes at the time I first saw Planes 2: Fire and Rescue, so I was a little worried that I would have difficulty catching up with the back story. Of course, these concerns were baseless: Planes 2: Fire and Rescue has more or less exactly the same plot line as every childhood movie you have ever seen, just with characters changed to maximalise the earning potential from merchandise. What toys do kids love playing with? Planes and fire engines!!!

For some reason a sentient crop duster named Dusty has somehow just won a race around the world, but now his home airport is threatened with closure, because it  doesn't meet those pesky health and safety regulations. It's bloody PC gone mad!

Pictured: realistically, the only aircraft a crop duster could actually beat around the world

Of course, Dusty has a plan! He's gonna do what any crop dusting plane would do, and become a fire engine plane! So off he goes to Piston Peak National Park, to learn to fight fires to the soundtrack of early 90s metal, under the tutelage of grumpy helicopter and former television police drama star Blade Ranger. Spoiler alert! He may be gruff, but in the end he has a heart of gold!

Or an engine of steel, or something like that.

Needless to say, the training isn't quite as smooth sailing as Dusty had hoped. Obstacles are met. Adversity is fought. so is fire (it's right there in the title). But in the end, he gets his wings (although he actually had wings all the way through), and he gets the lady plane, and he gets the admiration and respect of Blade Ranger. And my wallet gets to open for the assorted die cast models, colouring in books, t shirts, sticker albums and AC/DC CDs that have been released to encourage maximal toddler nagging and parental spending.

Indeed, Planes 2: Fire and Rescue finds Disney once again on form, knowing exactly what children want, and how to leverage as much money from their parents as possible for it. I expect the next instalment to be entitled something along the lines of Planes 3: Chocolate Dinosaurs and Magical Talking Circus Dogs. If it has a soundtrack by Guns n Roses, Reel Big Fish or Public Enemy, though, I probably won't mind so much.

featuring the hit songs, Welcome to the Aerodrome,

Live and Let Fly, and November Plane

An enjoyable romp, but shit it's getting expensive.

6.5/10