Monday, 23 October 2017

Finally, the truth behind NZ Political Sporting Witchcraft Revealed

The rule book keeping politics out of sport has been firmly ripped up today, as New Zealand reels at revelations of the extent to which their leaders have been meddling with the results of their favourite teams through the medium of curses, evil spells, and general witchcraftery.

The scandal, which threatens to destroy the very seat of parliament, the Beehive, in a large prophylactic bonfire, started to unravel following the shock loss of national rugby team 'the All Blacks' to their Australian counterparts in a closely contested game on Saturday night. Curiously
named New Zealand Herald reporter, NZ Herald-Staff, noted that the loss came barely days after
noted woman Jacinda Ardern had been selected as Prime Minister. Logically, rather than sub-par
performance, excessive hunger for a win in front of a home crowd by Australia, luck of the bounce of
a ball, refereeing performance, or scapegoat waitresses being to blame for the defeat, the reversal of
result was instead due to Ms Ardern placing a supernatural hex upon the team. Further investigation
by Herald-Staff noted that this sort of unsporting behaviour had precedents, with Ms Ardern's
predecessor as Labour Party Leader, Prime Minister, and sub-duck-weighing woman Helen Clark
having held office for nine long years during which the All Blacks had lost some matches.
Furthermore, Dame Jenny Shipley, who like Ardern became Prime Minister despite not even winning an election, once was working when the New Zealand representative team failed to make the final of the World Cup.

When questioned on this anomaly, Ms Ardern was surprisingly forthcoming. 'Look, absolutely, I placed a curse on the All Blacks,' she confessed at her Mt Albert electorate office this afternoon. 'Labour campaigned on a promise of a fairer New Zealand, and really, what could be fairer than letting Australia win a game once in a while? All through the campaign, we were displaying big signs saying Let's Do This. If anyone had stopped to ask, 'what exactly is This?' I'd have been only too glad to clarify. Let's Do a Curse On The All Blacks.'

Actually, Mark, it's pronounced Winggardium LevioSAR
 Further investigation has turned up multiple instances of politicians use witchcraft to influence the outcome of games of sports teams they may see in a negative light. After Ms Clark was made patron of New Zealand Rugby League, her successor, John Key, put a jinx on the Warriors' NRL team. 'At the end of the day, I just feel like being a bit of an arsehole, actually,' he is rumoured to have told his deputy, Bill English. English was in turn himself the victim of an evil spell cast by Don Brash in 2002, which saw him lose a charity boxing bout and an election by embarrassing margins, and set in to place a chain of events that saw Brash become leader of the National Party, and threatened to send the country back to the 1840s.

Don't worry guys, he got up again. Cos they're never gonna keep him down.
Perhaps the most potentially infamous practice of dark magic, however, was Judith Collins's 2013 use of a dark incantation when, with Emirates Team New Zealand holding a seemingly unbeatable 8-1 lead in the America's Cup, she mistook Dean Barker's giant catamaran for a modified Subaru WRX. Sources say Collins had become drunk with perceived power after being placed in Slytherin House on a Pottermore quiz, and that to this day she still boasts about the time she made Dave Dobbyn cry.

One man who wants to reduce the influence politicians are having on sports results is Wellington philanthropist, economist, politician, footballing mastermind, ailurophobe, beach lover, witch-smeller pursuivant, and all-round good guy Gareth Morgan. Morgan, perhaps more than most, knows the lengths to which members of government will go to manipulate a fixture to their own ends.

'For ten years, the Wellington Phoenix have attracted the wrath of the Peter Dunne,' Morgan stated. 'People have long suspected him to look the part of a slightly creepy children's magician, the bow tie, the hair... But he's actually a dark, dark wizard. People think TOP was The Opportunities Party; Actually it was Take Out Peter, but the general public were too fucking stupid to see that, to see the evil in the man.'

The real reason they didn't get in is Gareth kept standing in front of the instruction to vote 
Morgan states that when the current ownership consortium took over the club, they hoped Dunne may have called his curse off, ending the run of poor results. 'We thought it was Terry Serepisos's unpaid tax bills that we're getting on his goat. But it was the crest. The Phoenix on the crest had a powerful bouffant, and Peter saw it as a challenge to his own. He needed the poor results to see the club go under, so his magnificent hairdo could remain unchallenged. But then he got voted out, so with a best squad ever, we think the Phoenix this year are going to have their strongest season yet.'

Some sort of freaky mirror image
Morgan famously launched his party in 2016 with a promise to light a fuse under parliament, fire being the only known way to destroy a known evil wizard or witch. So with Dunne gone, does that mean he will rest? 'No. The evidence shows that New Zealand needs a strong anti-black-magic party in parliament to keep the bastards in check and protect the integrity of our sports teams, but the public are just too moronic to see that now. Maybe the All Blacks losing will wake the Sheeple up, finally.'

And the cat culling policy? As with all TOP policy, it's based on sound evidence.'Kill their familiars,' says Morgan. 'The magic can't survive without the familiars.'

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