Classic Children's Film Review: Planes 2: Fire and Rescue

Living in the cosmopolitan city of Palmerston North, one comes in contact with many people from different cultures and walks of life. I, for example, have managed to earn the respect of Bogan parents. This, of course, is due to my children's penchant for performing AC/DC's Thunderstruck in public at the drop of a hat.

How do a three year old and a 18 month old learn the lyrics to one of rock's most enduring anthems?If you guessed from a Disney movie, you'd be pretty much on the money. For this is the song that features during a climactic scene of Planes 2: Fire and Rescue, a film so epic, that when Luke was told he could get two films from the video store, he returned with two copies of it. So beloved, that he still requests a visit to JB Hifi to ensure 'that they have a copy so that other kids can buy it.' So frequently viewed, that it is imprinted to view upon my retinas whenever I close my eyes.

Even then I don't remember half the characters who have been made into must-have toys

I hadn't seen the original Planes at the time I first saw Planes 2: Fire and Rescue, so I was a little worried that I would have difficulty catching up with the back story. Of course, these concerns were baseless: Planes 2: Fire and Rescue has more or less exactly the same plot line as every childhood movie you have ever seen, just with characters changed to maximalise the earning potential from merchandise. What toys do kids love playing with? Planes and fire engines!!!

For some reason a sentient crop duster named Dusty has somehow just won a race around the world, but now his home airport is threatened with closure, because it  doesn't meet those pesky health and safety regulations. It's bloody PC gone mad!

Pictured: realistically, the only aircraft a crop duster could actually beat around the world

Of course, Dusty has a plan! He's gonna do what any crop dusting plane would do, and become a fire engine plane! So off he goes to Piston Peak National Park, to learn to fight fires to the soundtrack of early 90s metal, under the tutelage of grumpy helicopter and former television police drama star Blade Ranger. Spoiler alert! He may be gruff, but in the end he has a heart of gold!

Or an engine of steel, or something like that.

Needless to say, the training isn't quite as smooth sailing as Dusty had hoped. Obstacles are met. Adversity is fought. so is fire (it's right there in the title). But in the end, he gets his wings (although he actually had wings all the way through), and he gets the lady plane, and he gets the admiration and respect of Blade Ranger. And my wallet gets to open for the assorted die cast models, colouring in books, t shirts, sticker albums and AC/DC CDs that have been released to encourage maximal toddler nagging and parental spending.

Indeed, Planes 2: Fire and Rescue finds Disney once again on form, knowing exactly what children want, and how to leverage as much money from their parents as possible for it. I expect the next instalment to be entitled something along the lines of Planes 3: Chocolate Dinosaurs and Magical Talking Circus Dogs. If it has a soundtrack by Guns n Roses, Reel Big Fish or Public Enemy, though, I probably won't mind so much.

featuring the hit songs, Welcome to the Aerodrome,

Live and Let Fly, and November Plane

An enjoyable romp, but shit it's getting expensive.

6.5/10

Grown up food review: Whittaker's K Bar Choolate (lime and raspberry flavours)

Girl
I wanna take you to a K Bar
I wanna take you to a K Bar
I wanna take you to a K Bar
K Bar
K Bar

Not my words, but the words of early 2000s disco rock band Electric Six, slightly re-interpreted by myself. And words which, perhaps, would have made a better announcement of the forthcoming release of Whittaker's K-Bar flavoured chocolate than the image they did use.

About this time they realised it was lucky they hadn't exclusively used white chocolate

That's right, though, Whittaker's have taken the nostalgic tooth breaking toffee, made it a little softer, and encased it in their dark and milk chocolate. Not all their flavours, mind. After much trial and error, Whittaker's have chosen, apparently, the 'best ' three flavours, a deeply subjective, some would say wrong, selection of raspberry, lime and pineapple. I used to be a big fan of the blackcurrant flavour, however I was then exposed to other taste sensations, and realised that orange is the new blackcurrant.

Anyway, the big release date is tomorrow morning. But because my local supermarket is cool/slightly incompetent, I've managed to score a couple of bars, purely for research purposes. So behold, the first review of Whittaker's K Bar chocolate.

So new they're still using the Jellytip chocolate stands

The first bar is lime in milk chocolate. I'm a big lime fan: sliced in Corona, garnishing a gin and tonic, or mixed with lemon and vodka, all perfect tastes, so I was pretty amped for this. Whittaker's are renowned for their milk chocolate. Even Nigella Lawson endorses it, and she knows a thing or two about addictive substances. So I was hopeful that the two would complement each other perfectly.

Unfortunately, the creamy milk chocolate all but obliterates any tangy limey zest. Sure, if you break the chocolate open and lick the gooey centre out, the citrus flavours are there, but unless you have a very small tongue, you're going to have difficulty. So on the whole, this ain't really a bar of chocolate I'd go out of my way to buy. As chance would have it, I didn't actually have to go out of my way to buy this: the stand was between the fruit aisle and the meat, but to be honest I would probably go out of my way in order to buy a more exciting flavour, or a bar of milk chocolate without an indiscernible goo in the middle.

Raspberry in dark chocolate, however, is where the magic lies. The flavours complement perfectly, the bitter 72% cacao set perfectly against sweet berry flavours. Biting it in half, the bright pink filling even resembles what I can only imagine genuine unicorn snot to look and taste like, pure fantasy (the dreamlike sensation, not the drug). Does it taste of real raspberries? Of course not, but you're hardly eating this for your five plus a day, are you?

Mmmmmm..... Sweet, delicious unicorn snot, right there

I didn't buy the pineapple flavoured bar. I don't really trust a fruit that looks like it should be hanging off a tree, but in fact grows on some long spikey grass. Maybe another time.

Behold, the origin story of the internet's most controversial fruit

So there's your first Whittaker's K Bar review. Buy the raspberry flavour, give the other two a miss. Maybe we'll get the orange and blackcurrant flavours soon. Or maybe we'll get another Nigella inspired collaboration with Coke.

This young man started saving at 3 years of age. At 3 1/2, he owns his own firestation

Over the past few years, we've heard plenty about housing. The property market, initially in Auckland, more recently reaching into the provinces, has had more and more investment sunk into it, until it has reached a point described by economists as overinflated.

A balloon artist's impression of the Auckland housing market

The more money that pours in, with property prices climbing out of reach of younger buyers, the closer we are told we are coming closer to the market rapidly bursting, risking economic devastation.

A balloon artist's impression of the Auckland housing market following a sudden unexpected deflation

Regardless, it seems we are unable to peruse the media without reading the story of a student or worker in their early twenties who, having saved steadfastly since their early teens, and forgone luxuries such as food or friendship, has just taken possession of their first home or investment property. But the question remains to be answered: if these young property tycoons had buckled down and put money aside from an early age, what could they have achieved?

Luke knows. Right from an early age he knew what he wanted: 'Mummy, I want to buy a fire station,' he declared shortly after his third birthday.

So middle class he eats barely cooked fish

Luke started his financial success by earning money at home. 'I tidy my room, and do washing,' he stated, with his parents rewarding him with inconsequential sums of money as a crude form of bribery, in an attempt to protect themselves from stepping on stray Lego. Asked further about his duties, Luke stated: 'I did washing, and I broke a plate.' Expanding on his entrepreneurial portfolio, he found other ways to boost his finances: 'I found some moneys in Mummy and Daddy's room,' Luke explained.

Soon, he had enough to consider investing in the property market, and was the proud owner of a small two story fire station. Of course, like many youngsters making their first steps in the ladder, Luke did receive financial aid from his parents, who contributed thirty dollars whilst the building was on sale at Farmers. (But let's not concentrate on that as it ruins our narrative).

Luke with his property and two of his tenants, Sam Jones and Elvis Cridlington

Still living with his parents, Luke has little use for the fire station as a primary dwelling. With no mortgage to play, he has charitably allowed four small firemen to take possession of the facility, to use for their own purposes, free of rent. Asked if he one day plans to move in to the fire station himself, Luke admitted that he probably wouldn't, 'cos I'm too big.' Unashamedly, this is only the first step on to the property ladder for a young man who dreams of owning more grand properties.

Indeed, Luke says he is already saving once more in hope of buying himself some prime South Pacific real estate: 'I want to buy Tracey Island'.

The coveted island paradise

Guest Post: a three and a half year old reviews The Wiggles

Get ready, to read the best writing this blog has seen

This week, my children's favourite Crayola impersonators The Wiggles came and played two shows in Palmerston North, thus ignoring ageing curmudgeon John Cleese's advice that the city is only a place to tour if you are contemplating committing suicide, or trying to pay off your fifth divorce (please don't let this be so, Emma and Lachy, we at least need you to breed some sort of hybrid Warm Grey Wiggle first).

Don't listen to Cleese, Wiggles, Palmerston North has loads of really big fans, and that joke never fails

Unfortunately, having a job and a further 107 Pokèmon to catch, I was unable to make the gig, so am unable to rate the performance of such classics as the ode to conspiracy theories Wake Up Sheeple!, and Labour Party campaign jingle Big Red Car.

We're gonna implement sound social policy the whole day long

Fortunately, it turns out I am able to exploit willing child labour, as are multinational media conglomerate Fairfax, who managed to coax a hyperbolic review of the Wiggles Auckland show out of a six year old. So, ever the one to try and one-up the establishment, here are the musings of a three and a half year old I happen to be related to: 

The concert was in October. October. It was in a room with a biiiig curtain. The curtain was, like, yellowey orangey collour. 

The best bit was when Captain Feathersword falled over. It went BEEEP and then he fell over like this. And then he made Anthony fall over like this, mmmmhp, and then he fell over. But they didn't all fall over. Just Captain Feathersword and Anthony fell over.

Emma and Wags and a teddy bear were there too. They danced. And I gave Anthony a bone, and Anthony put my bone in his bag. It wasn't a real bone, it was a cardboard bone. Then he didn't do a song about it. Wags didn't have it first, but he's probably eating it now. It's probably time for The Wiggles to go to bed. The Brown Wiggle wasn't there. What  is the Brown Wiggle called? Why are Emma and Lachy in love?

Emily liked the concert, and even she danced, but then she rolled over and she cried. 

I didn't dance, cos I refused to dance.

They singed Rock-a-bye Teddy Bear. It was a good song. The best song was Here Comes Simon, it was really funny. They didn't have the big red car. It was probably broken and needed fixing at a garage. They had an animal car. They did sing about Fruit Salad, but there were different rhymes from a different song in it, which isn't actually fruit salad.

I think i would like to go to a ADCC Thunderstruck concert.

2 stars (out of two)

Game Review: Pokémon Go!

I'm reliving my childhood! And that is perhaps one of the greatest things you could do. but wait, there's more... In reliving my childhood, I'm able to cruelly cause my son maximal confusion. After we took this photo, he spent a good minute or two trying to figure out where the bat actually went.

And he has absolutely no recollection of a Vulpix head butting him in the square yesterday.

Nor of breaking his mother's vow of his vegetarianism on this Magikarp.

I've been playing Pokèmon Go for a week now, and Luke still hasn't figured out why he can't see the friendly monsters I keep taking photos of him with. The joke's not getting old on me either, not until I get a pic of him stuck inside an invisible box with a Mr Mime. After some early criticism due to a misunderstanding  when I told her I was going out at night to try and score some weedles, Rachel seems to be right into the game too. And the dog is also pretty happy, now that he's getting more walks after work. Though he doesn't seem so keen to stop whenever I went to try and get a Slowpoke in the bushes.

In fact, it seems the whole country has gone mad for the game. ACC released a cringeworthy video trying to warn of the dangers of playing. Indeed, there have been concerns that PG has led to an upswing in soft tissue injuries, and poses dangers to driving. To those concern-niks , I say just wait until the inevitable release of MarioKartGo. In addition, apparently Parliament are opening up their buildings to trainers this weekend eager to catch any Governmental monsters. My offer of a reward for the ultimate metaphorical Pokèmon photo still stands.

Everyone knows, though, that the true genius behind Pokèmon Go's popularity is the ability to name your monsters as you catch them, bringing out each trainer's utmost wit. Some names can relate to popular television celebrities of years gone by:

Some to Popular musicians or songs:

Some to topical political topics or  politicians:

It remains to be seen whether Pokèmon Go will last the distance as a true touchstone of 2016 culture, or whether, like most things that involve visiting a gym, it will last a couple of weeks and then be rapidly forgotten. However, in the meantime, certainly it provides fun for the whole family.

6/5.

Music review: The Wiggles: Carnival of the Animals

As you probably already know, The Wiggles released a new album last week.

Toot toot, chuga chuga, big red pay cheque

And, not content with simply living off the songs written by their predecessors (and some would say betters), Simon, Lachy and Emma have perhaps turned in their laziest work yet. Not that I would use that as a criticism. In fact, as the Wiggles juggernaut rolls on, they may be on to something: getting somebody else to write the songs, somebody else to play the songs, and get away with, at most, just talking over the music. In fact, if the name of the last track is anything to go by, I'm not sure Lachy even does that. But he'll still be there, collecting the royalty cheque no doubt.

What the Wiggles have done here is to take a pre-existing piece of music, the eponymous Carnival of the Animals, by the original Sepia Wiggle, Camille Saint-Saëns, originally composed as a musical joke. An to be fair, it was probably hilarious af coming from this man. He intended it never to be published during his lifetime, lest it detract from his serious image. 

Get Ready, To Wiggle Your Moustache

In this edition, however, the Wiggles have added their own quaint touch. Simon 'Red' Wiggle (the only Wiggle I have had the honour of meeting), has written short rhymes to accompany each of the 14 movements, each ably played by the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra. I haven't listened in depth to the content of these spoken lyrics, but hearing that each verse ends rhyming 'way' with 'very day', I'm sure they would easily rank up with the songwriting of No Doubt, or any other contemporary act insisting girl and world sound a bit similar. Unfortunately, Simon's delivery lets him down: not quite keeping up with the tempo of the backing track in places, I fear, if he were to try his hand at MCing,

Si would be in danger of Vanilla Ice cooking him like a pound of bacon.

 Hot Potato melts Vanilla Ice

Another personal touch added by the Wiggles consists of renaming several pieces, to make them more acceptable to the modern age. Nowhere is this more noticeable than movement number 10 as 'Tweet Tweet Tweet,' an apparent ode to the 140 character microblog. Presumably all the birds within are small and blue.

They were going to call the verse Angry Birds, but twitter's more or less the same thing 

The chance for a few new musical jokes, however, I feel have been missed. Saint-Saëns had originally composed movement number 12, 'Fossils', as a riotous parody of several French folk songs which were just so old, kinda like if Weird Al Yankovich made a song called 'Yo' Mamma' and it was just slightly altered songs from the 1950s. What better opportunity to subtly take a dig at old Jeff or Murray than by asking if they wanted to do a guest spot? Lol forever. And  The People With Long Ears was originally written as a sly shot at music critics who had savaged Ol' Camille's recent works, not for him the Meat Loaf style of stopping mid concert to tell poor reviewers to GGF. Why would the Wiggles not try and insert the implication that, say, bitter rivals Hi5 aren't donkeys by inserting a few of their songs?  

Dicks

All in all, however, Simon, the other Wiggles, and the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra have turned in a strong effort, easily providing a diversion for a half hour car trip. I look forward to their upcoming collaborations with other composers and bands. Hopefully including current family favourite AC/DC.

After all, it's a long way to the cot if you want to rock a doll.

4.5/5

Netflix and Children does the #CheerioChallenge with Little Bellies Hoops and Loops

I hate online memes normally. Especially the Harlem Shake and the Running Man Challenge. Usually this is born out of a deep seated cynicism, driven by incessant media coverage and peer pressure guilt-tripping other individuals or groups into partaking in a largely irrelevant, pointless and cringeworthy task. Whilst often harmless, these crazes can have far-reaching consequences, making respected public leaders to look like tools in public, and lead to official government agencies to change the way they answer phones.

(On a slightly tangential note, official Labour Party YouTube video channel, why would you keep that video up and remind us he did that? Do you want him to win the election next year?)

But when I heard about the Cheerio Challenge this morning, I was instantly drawn in. Mostly because I thought it had something to do with delicious red cocktail sausages. I was slightly dissapointed to find it actually referred fathers piling little ring-shaped American cereal pieces on their sleeping infants, but heck, I'd just bought some cheap Australian rip off hoops with half an intention to review them, may as well put them to good use. So tonight, the family sat down to try out the #CheerioChallenge, before John Key kills it by stacking cereal on top of a sleeping Max. In fact, what's in that bowl behind the glass in this photo?

Anyway, it's fair to say our attempts were a disaster. My first mistake was, in my eagerness, not waiting for the kids to fall asleep before starting out. Given the difficulty stacking on a small moving child, we started tying using Dad as a base substrate. Handed a bowl of small banana flavoured hoops, however, the instinct of a toddler seems to be to eat them. No definitive photos exist, but I blindly fumbled my way to about four little circles, before they were snatched and scoffed.

Luke was actually relatively keen to give being a base for a cereal tower a go, and lay still enough for a tower of seven to be erected between his eyes, before getting the giggles. Emily then, in attempt to emulate her brother, actually lay down and starting building upon her own face, but only succeeded in throwing a small snack into her eye socket.

Of course, we were unable to threaten the record of 16!!!!! Cheerios in one stack. My hypothesis, looking at  my packet of Little Bellies Hoops and Loops (banana flavour), is the lack of sugar (0.2g per serving in comparison to a full gram per serving of Cheerios) affects the adhesiveness of each grain-filled miniature donut, both to adjacent loops, but also to the skin of a small child. I'd also question how the connective qualities of organic corn stack up (pun 100% totally intended) against oats.

Anyway, now I've partaken in the Cheerios Challenge, I imagine it will bumble along slowly, gathering momentum until Jono and Ben invite Cher(io) to come and do it on their show (artist's impression below), followed several months later by the Silver Ferns entering the court at the Fast Netball World Cup stacking  fruit loops on top of each other.

As for a review of Little Bellies Hoops and Loops (banana flavour): the kids seem to love them, but in all honestly they taste like stale dust. 2/10.