Your Official Christmas Day Drinking Game Guide

You've just about made it through the festive season! Only a matter of hours to go, and you'll be in that blissful period of time when the kids have opened presents and are distracted by shiny new toys and consumer goods, but before they're howling because said toys and consumer goods have been broken beyond repair. Just the time to sit back with a glass of Pinot Gris, a can of pale ale, or a bottle of meths, and drink yourself into that happy state beyond caring*.

But why just drink festively, when you can drink with festive culture? After the relative success of last year's Queen's Speech Drinking Game, this year I've persued the Christmas programming, and have prepared options to take you late into the night!

Speaking of which, it's an absolute travesty that The Sound of Music is not being shown on any channel this year. Long has it been tradition to watch Georg von Trapp's slow transformation from grumpy old bastard to Cool Dad, but perhaps this year the political themes cut a little close to the bone. Whatever the reason, I feel nothing less than a full parliamentary enquiry into this oversight is needed.

Frozen (TVNZ2, 5.20pm)

You might have to watch this one, so may as well try and make it tolerable. 

One drink

Elsa freezes something

Anna talks about true love

Snow is mentioned

The importance of family is mentioned

Someone you are watching with starts singing

Two drinks

Olaf's head falls off

Kristoff talks to his reindeer

Trolls are mentioned

You start singing

That's two drinks

Three drinks

If you notice that bit where Elsa's ponytail flicks right through her arm

Additional

Everybody must  drink for the duration of Let It Go on the assumption that you're going to start singing anyway

The News (Prime, 5.30pm, TVNZ1 and TV3, 6.00pm)

Everybody loves the news at Christmas!

One drink

Reporters you have never seen before are anchoring the bulletin

Lead item is about Christmas

Mention of 'the Big Man in Red'

Story about 'Those who have to work at Christmas'

Two drinks

Mention of Richie McCaw or John Key

Live cross to City Mission Kitchens

Random irrelevant rugby story

Story about the weather

Three drinks

Sports presenter turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, starts singing 

Weather presenter turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, makes crude innuendo about warm fronts

Political editor turns up drunk after Christmas lunch, proclaims this to be the fucking news

Down in one

Government releases controversial policy on Christmas Day in hope that no one notices

Her Majesty the Queen's Speech (TVNZ1, 6.50pm)

Let's get this message over with and get back on the piss 

One Drink

'My family and I'

'Difficult year'

Mentions Phillip's health troubles

'Thinking of those in need'

Two Drinks

'Faiths coming together'

'Friends around the world'

'Welcome Meghan Markle to the family'

'Successful Olympics for Team GB'

Three drinks

'Mr Trump has small hands'

Corgi wanders into shot, takes a shit

Princess Charlotte wanders into shot, takes a shit

Phillip wanders into shot, delivers racist tirade

Drunk Prince Harry wanders into shot, delivers racist tirade

Finish drink

'Brexit's gonna screw us over, I quit, suckers'

Home Alone 2 (TV3 7.00pm)

Start drinking at the beginning of the film, and keep drinking.  Hopefully by the time you get to Donald Trump's cameo, you'll have forgotten he's gonna be leader of the free world in under a month.

'Let me tell you, kid, your family lost you. They're losers. SAD. I like winners. I'll make your film franchise great again'

Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas Special (TVNZ1, 9.40pm)

Hopefully after almost five hours of drinking games, you're well gone by this point. If not, just keep on drinking away the sorrow that showing this is how low our national broadcaster has sunk.

At least they got the grade of the movie right

*Netflix and Children in no way condones heavy and irresponsibly drinking, of course.